Still married in my mind

The following years we continued to grow and water the roots of our relationship. We talked about our future and what that looks like. I wanted nothing more then to keep making her proud of the man I was becoming.

I was continuing my career and getting my BSN. Which you need in nursing but doesn’t make you a better nurse for the people being strong-armed into getting it. She would constantly tell me she was proud of me and help me the best way she could.

Then finally when we were least expecting it we had our next big turn of our relationship. We discovered that we were going to become a family. We had a handful of positive pregnancy tests on MAY 13th 2023, of all months! I remember being so scared of becoming a father. I didn’t want to be harsh like my father was to me and my brother. We wanted our child to be brought up in love. We hoped they would see the world as an open door to achieve whatever they wanted in this world.

God had a different plan for us. The next month, we spent weeks at appointments. We tried to understand why the HCG numbers were going up. However, they were not rising at a normal level. After a month and 2 ultrasounds, we found out the baby we prayed for was not in the right place. It needed to be terminated. We were devastated.

On June 27th, 2023 I remember getting a call from her father. He said something was wrong with her. I flew up Route One going 110 mph. I ran through the back door and saw the woman I love on the floor in so much pain. I knew something was wrong. I drove her to the hospital. I was with her the entire time as she would come in and out of periods of alertness.

The readings on the monitor threw flags into my head. As an ER nurse, I knew she was going into shock. They escorted us to a room. The ED MD performed a FAST exam. He reported that she had a large amount of blood in her abdomen. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my body. I thought I’m about to lose my person. They moved us to an OR suite and we waited for her to go into surgery.

They took her back, I called her parents, and told them they needed to get to the hospital. I remember praying in a corner away from the site. I cried to God to keep her safe. I asked him to let her come out of this okay and back to me. Again he granted that plea.

I will always wonder of a life where we had that child and want would life be with them. Would they look like me or her? Would they get our love? Would they understand the gift they were to us? I believe someday I will get those answers when I am standing in front of GOD.